Tuesday 31 January 2012

Hand holding

Chris and Lucy came to visit yesterday - they spoilt the boys rotten with gifts! The boys particularly liked the bears holding a frame with a photo of Matthew and I in so the boys can see our faces when we're not there. Such a lovely idea. Love their little outifts too. Everyone has been so generous with them, such lucky little monkeys. They've had blankets, teddies, frames, bunnies, clothes, nappies and so much more - thank you so much to everyone.

Today I held Joseph and he was making proper baby noises as I held him against me. His head is probably a tiny bit bigger than a kiwi so I'm generally quite nervous when holding him but I think i'm getting more confident and his little noises were so sweet I couldnt help but give him a thousand kisses.

Xander's bloods showed he was low in Sodium so he needed a canula put in and some extra Sodium for 8 hours. I was there whilst the doctor was putting the canula in his arm...mistake, big mistake. I could hear him crying so I went to the other side of the incubator and held his hand whilst the evil doctor put the needle in his arm. He was crying so much and it took every ounce of inner strength not to push her off him and shout at her to stop hurting him. I realised when she was almost done that it was more like Xander holding my hand, than me holding his. He calmed down quite soon after she was done and she put him on his tummy - his favourite position so he could rest. I stroked his back for a while until he settled. I know I need to toughen up but watching him in pain and not being able to do anything about it is so hard. I held in the tears just long enough till I got in the car and then had a little cry for my babies. I want them at home so so much. They shouldnt be there with the doctors prodding and poking and....ok ok saving their lives.

Xander on a sipap break


 Joseph having a look around

Monday 30 January 2012

Crappy nappy

Yesterday before we left, I changed Xanders nappy and Matthew did Josephs. I opted for Xanders as he has less wires in and I get nervous that I'm going to pull one out or hurt Joey so Xander is a bit easier. Matthew is a lot braver than I am and takes it all in his stride. Annoying!

We finished the nappies and later that evening when we were at home, we called the hospital to see how they were doing. Debbie, one of our favourite nurses was looking after them. She told Matthew that someone had changed Xanders nappy and his willy wasn't facing the right way (who knew there was a right way?!) and he had done a wee all over himself and the bed - basically everywhere but the nappy!! Nooooo! Turns out it was a good thing as Debbie had to change the bed and she put Xander in with Joseph whilst she was doing it! They were both on Sipap breaks and she took a great photo of them holding hands! So amazingly sweet, it literally melted my heart.

She also took a little video of them together whch made me laugh so much! The video shows that Joseph wasn't at all sure about this new little person in his incubator and you can see him pushing Xander away. Xander looks all calm and a bit confused...then Joseph strokes Xanders face and it's almost as if he recognises his brother as they then hold hands and close their eyes for a little sleep. Totally adorable.

When they were in my tummy it was Joseph that was stretched right out - he was transverse and all Xander did was scrunch up in a ball and stick his bottom out. I loved stroking that little sticky outty bottom! It's no wonder then that Joseph likes his space but he soon remembered his brother and liked to hold on to him. They're going to be such good friends. Love them so much!



Our first family shot

Sunday 29 January 2012

Joseph is extubated!

Xander did have fluid on his lungs but with some diaretics he's doing much better - good boy! Joseph's medicine has kicked in big time and he's doing so well too! We're both trying and have been told not to get ahead of ourselves as once he finishes the course of medicine he may well go back a couple of steps but we're loving seeing him so well and strong. He was extubated 36 hours after the medicine and has been a little legend since then. He did a little cry when the tube came out of his mouth - he must have been waiting to cry for such a long time, such a beautiful healthy sound.

He's doing so well that he's even been off sipap for an hour!! Again...not getting too excited but I love seeing him looking so much more comfortable. It's amazing to be able to see the whole of his face for the first time. I could stare at his face forever working out who he looks like and just falling more and more in love with him. I had a cuddle with him for the first time since the day he was born and I loved every minute of it. He was looking up at me with his sleepy eyes and I told him how much I love him and how sorry I was that he had to go through all of this. I promised him that one day I would spoil him rotten when we got him home and he seemed to like that as he nuzzled in a little closer and reached out his hand to me.

As we were giving Joseph so much attention, Xander began to cry almost as if he was saying "What about me?!" Is this the start of real life with twins?! I hope so - as it should be running from one baby to the next, not staring at them through incubators. Lucy and Tobes arrived just in time to see Joseph being cuddled and Matthew changing Xanders nappy. He'd done an extra big poo to impress his visitors. Luce and Tobes loved them both so much and it was so lovely to see their happy faces looking at our little boys. Not a sad face in sight.

Joseph has curly hair and a little upturned nose! Where did that come from?! At least it's not like mine!


Joseph below having just been extubated - happy mummy and daddy!




The nurse took these pics of Joseph in the night without his Sipap!



 Joseph without his Sipap and with a little dummy!!!






 Xander without his Sipap for a quick photo



 Tired mummy


 Joseph back on Sipap holding my hand


 Xander with a little top on!

Thursday 26 January 2012

Express yourself

I'm expressing at the moment as breastmilk has so much goodness in it especially in the first week or so and my boys need all the help they can get. The only problem is expressing isn't as easy as it sounds. You 're meant to do it every 3 hours including through the night. I set my alarm a couple of nights ago for 3am and tried to get going but I couldnt get the machine to work - I fidled and twidled but nothing I did made any difference. In order to breastfeed you're meant to be relaxed and calm - ideally looking at your baby so you release Oxytocin and therefore lots of milk. Attaching the machine to my breasts instead of holding my babies in my arms is hard enough as it is but when the machine didnt work I lost it and through the attachments on the floor. Tantrum complete. I hope my boys take after Matthew.(who slept through the whole thing!) Having exchanged the machine the next day - all seems better but waking up through the night is no fun at all as instead of going back to sleep I lie awake wondering how my boys are. I'm now trying a new technique of expressing every 2 hours in the day and then massaging my breasts in the night to keep them active - my boobs have never received so much attention! (even though they've always been massive obviously ;)

My little Joseph was struggling on the ventilator and last night the doctors advised that they give him a course of medicine to help strengthen his lungs. The medicine has some negative side effects so they dont like to give it unless absolutely necessary - which it was. Poor little lamb. Xander was doing so well but started to need more oxygen so he's had an xray to see if he has fluid on his lungs. Please please let it not be anything more than that as if it is he may have to go back on the big ventilator again. We'll find out this afternoon.

I got a cuddle with Xander last night - there's nothing like his warm little body against mine. He had his eyes open and was staring at me. I hope he knows i'm his mummy. He was stretching his little arm out on me so I think he was comfortable. The day their tubes come out will be the happiest day of my life. Bless my little angels.

Cuddles from Xander






Joseph below resting in his incubator

Monday 23 January 2012

The Rocky Road

All the doctors have been telling us to expect this 'Rocky Road' and we didnt really understand what they meant but we hit it hard on Saturday morning. Both our boys needed blood transfusions and we were told they had heart murmurs. Boom. There we had it. Xanders blood gases weren't great and Jospeh's haemaglobin levels were unstable. Boom. So sad for our boys who had been doing so well the previous day. Neither of us spoke much for the rest of the day as we tried to digest everything that we'd been told. A sad day.

I hadn't felt well on the Friday night and on Saturday I felt a little worse but put it down to being overwhelmed and tired. Saturday night I was still waking up in hot sweats and shivering all over and on Sunday morning I went for a check up and after a full examination (yikes!) the docs said they saw some retained placenta.

I was readmitted and put on an antibiotic drip and was told I'd need an operation the following morning. I'd love to say I put on a brave face but I obvisouly burst into tears and told the doctor I just wasnt going to have it! Thank God Matthew was there to calm me down. He stayed the night with me and was there all morning until I had it done. The aneasthetist said he was going to ask me questions and then ask me to count to 20 so he knew I was totally out. All i can remember was him asking me what I prefered 'Gin and Tonic or Wine' and me replying 'Both' . That was it, I was out like a light. The doctor said she thought she got it all out and time will tell. I'm hoping and praying it's all out so I dont have to go throught that again but if I do, I can do it. My boys are going through worse so it's nothing compared to their pain I'm sure.

The day ended well as we went to say goodbye to the boys and Matthew was allowed to hold Xander. My little Joey is still not well enough to be held. One day soon my angel I promise you.









Friday 20 January 2012

Xanders first poo!

Matthew took the day off today so we could spend the day with the boys and we loved spending so much time with them.

We registered out boys today - Xander William Fox and Joseph Devereux Fox. We are officially parents!!!



Xander was still on his Sipap (not Ccap as i've been calling it!) and doing so well! He was on a good amount of Oxygen and looking very comfortable sleeping away on his tummy. Joseph was still doing well but back on the ventilator tube - poor little thing.

We were both looking at Joseph praying he gets strong enough to get that tube out when I heard a little noise. I thought it was one of the other babies in the ward crying but it was so little..I turned to look at Xander and it was him crying! We heard our baby cry! Of course I burst into tears (of happiness) and placed my hand on his to settle him. My baby did a big grown up cry! What an amazing little sound! We were so proud of him for making his first little cry.

The nurse asked if Matthew wanted to change his nappy and he nervously accepted! It's a very tricky job with all the tubes and wires sticking out but he did so well!



Matthew was so proud of himself and told the nurses that they'd probably never seen a nappy so well constructed before...typical!

We then spoke to the doctor about little Joseph - the bigger twin who you'd think would be coping better. They had done a scan and found that he had a valve open in his chest which is why he wasn't managing without the big ventilation tube. My heart sank but they say that with a few days of medication he may be ok and they may try again. There's also the option of steroids but we want to avoid that if possible. He did so well later in the day when they put a new line in his leg so that's one less thing to worry about.

We left Joseph to rest a lot today as he's been meddled with so much and needs to build his strength -bless him.

Xander was doing so well later in the day that I was allowed a cuddle!! It was the most amazing feeling having my little one resting inside my top next to my beating heart and enjoying the skin to skin. I was so nervous that I was crushing him or pulling out a tube but it all went well and I cant wait to feel him in my arms again. I'm sure no parent takes this moment for granted but I thought it would be weeks away and will treasure that moment forever.





Look at his little face so happy and snug. Love them both so much. One day i'll be able to hold both of them in my arms...come on little Joseph, dont let your brother take all the glory!

It's hard to show just how small the boys are so have a look at his foot in Matthews wedding ring.


The nurse was changing Xanders nappy later in the day (funny how she didn't let Matthew pro nappy changer Fox have another go) and we noticed he'd done a little poo! A great sign! As she was changing him, he decided it was the right time to let it all go and a lot more came out - such a good boy! Chris was visiting at the time so I think Xander was showing off...

The boys have had so many visitors already and cant wait to meet more of our friends and family who have all been just incredible. They've already met Granny and Grandpa Englefield, Aunty Sarah and Uncle Jan, Aunty Olive, Nana and Pops Fox, Aunty Julia and Uncle Richard, Natasha, Brendon, Tim, Becky, Gibbo, Rob, David, Pip..such popular little guys already!!

From Daddies perspective:
Today I can honestly say I felt like a proper dad for the first time. Not because the boys made any incredible strides forward (although they have both had their little victories throughout the day) but because I have spent the whole day with them, changed nappies, read them the newspaper, chatted to them, showed them off to my oldest friend and felt beyond anything, that immense pride in everything they achieved. I don't have much more detail to add except that I'm so happy that Chris (one of my two Best Men and the friend I was Best Man to in November) was there to see so many milestones this afternoon and that I got to show my little fellas off to him.

It was clear he had so much love and affection towards the guys but also he did everything all our friends are doing so well, made sure Soph and I were ok and keeping strong for our two boys. I have no doubt that the things Chris witnessed today he will be recounting to the boys for decades to come and I know he treasured the time he spent with them and I know I always will. Today was a magical day, changing my first nappy, watching Xander being put up Sophie's top and keeping such a close eye on Joseph has made me realise how within just five days, these guys have become my world and how much I love Soph for providing them to me. Rest strong my two special men, we have lots of fun times ahead.








Photos from the last few days









Thursday 19 January 2012

Matthew holds Joseph!

The last couple of days have been quite an emotional rollercoaster. Joseph has been sleeping and looking so peaceful which makes me happy whilst Xander wriggles a lot and reaches out like he's trying to hold our hand. It's so hard not being able to comfort him and it's heartbreaking seeing his little face looking all sad like he's trying to cry but he can't because of the big tube in his throat. It makes me well up even thinking about that little face.

Today was better...they extubated Xander (took the big ventilation tube out of this mouth and put a Ccap in his nose). It looks awful but it's so much more comfortable for him. He had it done this morning at 11am and when we left at 10pm ish he was still doing well. Come on my boy...you can do it, big strong breaths. They tried for the second time with Joseph but he didn't like it and they had to put him back on the ventilation tube bless him. It's quite an ordeal for them when they try it so they'll probably leave him for a day or two before trying again.

We went to part of a twin talk at 8pm at the hospital which talks about feeding and sleeping when you bring them home. I felt so jealous of all the mums there with their bumps and healthy babies in their tummys whilst mine were struggling upstairs. The midwife who did the talk had preterm babies herself so we had a quick chat and she was really reassuring so we both left feeling a little lifted.

When we got back upstairs, Xander was still doing well and resting nicely - such a good boy. Midwife Michelle asked if I wanted help change Josephs nappy which was all very exciting!! She asked out of kindness but a small part of me thinks it was also as she hates to touch cotton wool! Even a simple task like changing his nappy takes a lot of prep and it wears him out so we had to be quick. I loved loved loved helping and I almost felt like a proper mummy! We're both very proud at the size of his little weeny - especially Matthew!

Matthew then helped to change his sheets - he's changed the sheets at home about twice so this was a real challenge for him! Turns out all he had to do is lift Joseph whilst the midwife changed the sheets - typical that he got out of it! It looked like it wasn't very comfortable for Joey with all his tubes in but he did so well and I loved seeing Matthew's face light up as he held his son (sort of) for the first time.

We left feeling like our boys were doing well and we're excited to spend the day with them tomorrow. Sleep well my angels, rest lots so we can have a good day of growing and getting strong tomorrow. Love you so much xxx


Womb holding Xander.
Xanders Ccap


Changing Joey's nappy and then trying to settle him


Matthew holding Joey as midwife changes sheets
Goodnight kisses from daddy