A year to remember

It's been a long time since I posted as these boys are keeping us busy! They've turned 1 (sort of) so I thought it was time to update their progress...

Sleep has improved dramatically since we underwent some serious sleep training but along with feeding it's still the main cause for stress and frustration! The boys do generally sleep through (as any parent will understand I daren't celebrate this as it could all change at any moment!) and they obviously wake when ill or when we've had a late night ourselves. They like to keep us on our toes at all times! But overall, we get more sleep (thank you, thank you, thank you boys).

The day time naps are now the main issue. I've had a couple of shockers when they've disturbed each other mid nap and after an hour of screaming babies, room shuffling, mattress jiggling, hiding on the floor of their room so the other cant see me, twinkle twinkle humming, holding and rocking one whilst using my foot to turn on two white noise machines to try and calm the other,  I lose the plot call my mum and beg her to come and help as I can't take any more. I then call Matthew and tell him how unfair it is that he's at work and I'm at home tearing my hair out!  He will normally answer sounding quite out of breath and at first I thought I was really stressing him out but it turns out he's at the gym. THE GYM!!! Bitter? Me? ....YES!

These shockers are getting more and more frequent so something has to be done. People say to decrease the morning nap so the lunchtime nap is more consistent. So we tried that. We've tried making lunch later, trying to give them more food, more stimulation, less stimulation, more fresh air, less tv, more tv. Nothing seems to make a difference. So, until this delightful phase of putting the boys to bed and holding my breath and crossing every part of my body hoping that they make it through long enough to get through the rest of the day without losing it...I'm pretty much on edge!

We've regressed slightly in that we're back to sleeping in the living room (bless you ikea daybed) as since the boys have become slightly more active, the sound of their legs thrashing about in their cots keeps us awake all night as their room is right next to ours so we've left our beautiful super king and we sleep downstairs. We're also thinking about separating them if they keep waking eachother in their nap times so we'll officially be using the living room as our little studio apartment whilst the boys take the first floor...not sure this counts as progress really?!

Feeding is generally better - we still have to sing to them and make funny animal noises to keep them distracted whilst we spoon food in but generally they are doing much better. They can't take any sort of finger foods as they gag and are sometimes sick but it's apparently quite normal for prem babies to do this and we have a speech and language therapist coming to help us soon who will help them to learn to swallow. She has recommended that we stick to bite and dissolve foods for now such as baby carrot crisps, ice cream wafers, prawn crackers (Matthew nearly fell off the chair in delight at this and promptly ordered a chinese take away), Jaffa cakes (not a problem, a staple part of our weekly shop) and rice crispies. Prawn crackers are the favourite so far.

Other than these two factors the boys are AMAZING. Their personalities are emerging in full force and  I love them more and more each day.

Both boys love to reach up to us to be picked up and held and just as you think how sweet it is that they want a cuddle or kiss, they give you a hand off and want to be put down again. Another little reminder of who's in charge hey boys!

Xander cub loves his bro and if you sit them too close to each other he will pull at Joeby who will inevitably fall over and cry. Xander is a the cheeky one. He loves wooden spoons and bashing his angry hand on the sofa. He likes his bell and when he's done making as much noise as possible, he'll hold it in the air like a sword and gasp at it like it's the best thing he's ever seen. He also loves talking to Matthew on facetime after he's had lunch. He giggles so much at the screen as Matthew laughs at him and I LOVE watching him smiling and laughing with his big open mouthed gummy smile.

Joeby Joe; he's still a scaredy cat and hates loud noises, big boxes and tall loud people! He has started dancing (bouncing)and clapping hands which is adorable and likes shaking things. Especially Matthews vitamin box! He's a bit of a mummys boy (I'm talking about Joey here..not Matthew. Those who know Matthew will understand the need for clarification!) and needs a little more affection than his bro. Although he's a mummys boy he's also the more boisterous of the two and likes to be held upside down and thrown about. He's also trying really hard to crawl and has so far managed to go backwards with great efficacy! Getting stuck under the sofa is his latest trick.

They're both feisty little ones which we find quite unfair as we're both the complete opposite but we're hoping this is again, a phase. It's quite a long phase as they've been feisty since we brought them home but we live in hope! Trips away are difficult as they're quite high maintenance little ones and if anything alters slightly from their routine then they become irritable and the day is ruined by bad tempers. So, we spend a lot of time at home trying to make life as easy for them (and therefore us!) as possible. When we first brought the boys home, we were told that the first year with twins is the hardest. Now, I hear that life is easier when they're 3. Please can people stop moving the goalpost?!

As for us, we're slowly getting our lives back a little bit. I have a new part time job for 2 days a week which I absolutely love and I'm also doing hypnobirthing again.  We go out and see friends mostly separately and like most parents of babies, we make an effort to have a date night once in a while so we don't forget we're a married couple and not room mates! Every day is hard and life is relentless but one day we'll get there. Hopefully before they're 3!

 Big boys love the bath

 A family photo on the boys first birthday!

 Um, Xander, you're meant to be asleep...we can see you and we're not impressed!

 Happy Birthday to youuuuuu....

 And now celebrating Molly's birthday!

 How to feed twins simultaneously (when they're too lazy to hold their own bottles!)

 Loving the swings!

 Haircut at home...sorry boys!

We finally found a way to get them to chill out in the buggy, facing each other! 

Sleep Deprivation

It's been a while since I posted and thats due to one reason...sleep deprivation! Our boys are doing so well in so many ways but they just can't grasp the concept of sleeping without the need for our help in settling them every two hours. After months of getting just 3/4 hours broken sleep a night, we finally gave in and have enlisted the help of night nannies. It was a desperate move so Matthew could function at work and I could stop crying! We hope and pray every night that they sleep but each morning the night nanny comes down to our pull out day bed looking utterly exhausted and tells us of the amount of times they woke during the night. We often dont need her to tell us as despite ear plugs, we still hear the monkeys shouting at the top of their voices. We end up getting so anxious at night time as we know we're in for a long and painful night! One day boys you will sleep and that will be a very very happy day!

A quick update:

Boys are off Oxygen completely!!! We did our last sleep study and can now see our boys beautiful faces all day (and night!). They're smiling so much and developing so well every day now. Unfortunately the good times lasted a few days when Xander developed bronchiolitis. He was coughing and wheezing so much and after two trips to the GP they decided the best thing to do was to get him to A&E asap. I drove him to hospital totally gutted and of course in tears that we were going back. We were seen straight away (having a prem baby is like being a VIP!) and they monitored his O2 levels which were thank God fine. They gave us an inhaler to give him and told us to keep an eye on his feeding and breathing.  He took about a week to get better and finally started smiling again - poor Joeby got it straight after and he was sick for the next week.

The boys are now better and we're focussing on helping them to learn to sleep as much as possible. It's really quite extraordinary how despite being in exactly the same routine in the day, they take it in turns to wake in the night meaning we get about an hours sleep at a time. Once you're awake and have settled one, you know it wont be long until the next one wakes and the pressure to get that precious bit of sleep is just immense and you end up tossing and turning and staying awake as a result! We're both finding it just so difficult and end up so desperately tired every day feeling sick, swaying and just not being able to function as we've not slept properly for such a long time now. We have a sleep training expert on board now giving us advice and she explained that as the boys were prodded and poked and have gone through so much in terms of reflux, oxygen tubes, constipation, colic, bronchiolitis etc it's no wonder they havent had a chance to develop their ability to self settle and sleep. We're now in sleep training and hope that they will soon learn to settle themselves so we can start to feel better and a little happier! We've got to 7am before and been so cross, frustrated and so upset...then we look down at the boys and they give us their biggest smiles. Our hearts melt and we're geared up to try again...saved from ebay one more time!

Joeby was doing so well - it was Xander that was the problem but in the last couple of days it's Joey who's been waking. He's been putting his hands in his mouth, dribbling and had pink cheeks yesterday...the dreaded teething!!!! According to our sleep training expert she says he should still be able to self settle through the discomfort...keeping everything crossed! We cant afford to pay for the night nurses to too much longer so something has to change!

They're both fully weaned now so they're getting plenty of food and milk in the day...come on boys, give us a break and SLEEP!!!!

Inbetween the awful, sleepless nights the boys are smiling so much and at nearly 4 months old (7 months) they're doing just so well. We spend a lot of time in the house as it's a mission to get them fed, cleaned clothed and ready to go out but we go for a walk in the afternoon every day just to get some fresh air and to remember that there is life outside the living room! We've come so far already and as soon as we can get this sleep problem resolved then life will be easier....I hope! Pic of our beautiful boys, love their little smiles so much xxx

Movement!

Well, it turns out nanny M wasn't as amazing as we thought! Although we will be forever grateful that she taught us how to ged wind up properly and the boys are feeding much better  - her routine wasnt very useful and the amounts she told us to put the boys on for feed were really unrealistic and they were starving - infact they lost weight at their next weigh in. J didnt sleep through ever again and infact they were waking more than ever before...we were feeding them individually when they woke up as she instructed but as anyone with twins will know this is a massive no no and we were getting about 2 hours sleep a night. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason and my God we were both just losing the plot - I say we, but really I mean me! Matthew seems to cope much better with less sleep. I on the other hand was feeling sick and dizzy again and feeling like I was sinking a little.

After a few more nannys came to stay and after them all showing us their techniques on how to settle, feed, burp, play and handle babies something in my brain clicked. I'd had enough and suddenly I felt calm and decided that with all these nannies telling me whats best, I was losing my confidence yet again and I would rather just do things my own way. I'll probably get it wrong and I'm sure other people do things better but I'd had enough of being told I should or shouldnt - these are my babies and I'll do what I think is best. I'm so grateful for advice but if one more nanny tells me another way to sleep train a baby which contradicts all the others then I'm going to go mad!

The boys are still only letting us have about 4 hours broken sleep a night - mainly as we go to bed at 8.30pm every night just to get an hour in before the dreaded night waking! We're both shattered but have to have faith that one day these monkeys will let us sleep and we can have a conversation with eachother again!

I'm still not able to be on my own with the boys yet - their little guts mean that they're so difficult to burp and it takes such a long time to get anything up that it takes two people and definitely not a mum with tendonitis in both wrists! The pain was so bad that I couldnt even lift a kettle let alone a baby. I couldn't tie my hair up, brush my teeth or change their nappies without wincing in pain - so enough was enough! i went to my GP for him to give me the steroid injection in both wrists.  He looked at my wrists and agreed that I have bad tendonitis from overuse due to being a new mum of twins. He looked a little hesitant and I asked him if he was sure he'd be able to do it - he said that he has done it before but if he got the wrong tendon then it wouldnt be effective and the more you have the less effective they are. He then said it would be best if I went to a specialist. Argh!!  Leaving the twins at home to get to the GP was a mad panic and now it was all wasted! So...the long and short of it is, a specialist gave me two steroid injections - I;d love to say I was really brave but my mum may not quite agree! I'd told her not to come with me at first - after everything I'd been through - the labour, the op for the retained placenta, the emotional rollercoaster of the boys in the NNu for 100 days ...of course i'm brave enough to have two injections. Apparently not. I was shaking like a leaf to the point where my legs were bouncing off the bed. Thank God my mum was there! The Dr said it may get worse before it gets better - and it did. Poor Matthew did all the feeds by himself as luckily the boys woke up separately in the night. We then had my mum and another nanny the next day so I could rest my wrists. I cant tell you how frustrating it is to not be able to to hold your own baby. The pain is slowly getting better but I may need another injection to get rid of the pain completely. My mums going on holiday soon...who's coming with me?!!

Although the boys have their problems and keep us awake all night they're just so gorgeous and I love them more and more each day. They're starting to do little smiles and love cuddles and their play mat. They love baths but hate getting out and most of all they love a foot massage! They're suckers for a bit of tlc and just love being stroked or massaged - just like their dad.

The boys have done one sleep study as we'd have enough of the richmnond team and their faulty machines - so we paid for another team to do it. The results were brilliant and they've been turned down to 0.06!! We have movement!! We need to get to 0 before they're off completely so we have a way to go but we'll keep paying or badgering whoever we need to to get them off O2 so they can be free from cannulas once and for all.

Xander

Joeby

 Xander

 Xander

Bathtime! (the calm bit)

 Tash pregnant with her twins

The Turn around

The boys have been running us ragged since they came home. To the point where I was still taking myself off to the toilet to have a good sob - something I thought I left behind at the NNU! We were demand feeding them as others said they're too little to be in a routine but as there are two it meant that they were feeding at different times, sleeping at different times and we had an average of 2 hours sleep a night. Plus with their reflux and screaming all day, I was starting to go mad.  I was beginning to hallucinate I was so tired. I was permanently dizzy, felt sick and on the brink of tears all day. All I could hear and see when I closed my eyes were screaming babies!

When the boys were in the NNU , all I could think about was getting them home. As long as they were home and I could shower them with love, things would be fine. How wrong I was. I needed help desperately and...we found it!

Things have changed so much, it's like having two new babies. They seem so much happier and I have managed to up my hours to an average of 5 hours sleep a night. I have complete faith that very soon, I'll be getting a lot more. Things changed as soon as we met Margarite. M has been a nanny/maternity nanny for 30 years and knows babies so ridiculously well it's unnerving.

She was recommended to us by a friend and after meeting quite a few nannys I wasnt particularly excited but as soon as she entered our home, I knew she could be the one to help us. She saw me feeding Joey (for the 12th time that day!) and immediately told me to stop. I was rocking him at the same time which was apparently all wrong. Rocking is for sleeping. Feeding must only be done with eyes open and babies must not gulp. We told her about the babies reflux issues and how uncomfortable they look. Her first words were that reflux was a myth - it doesnt exist. I reminded her that the boys had a probe down their throats for 12 hours at the hospital which measured the acid in their stomachs and it proved that they were indeed very refluxy.

M is very old school and takes no nonsense. No no no. No - is her favourite word which actually makes things confusing when she means yes but this time she really did mean no! She said that all babies get acid in their tummies when they feed - it doesnt mean they have reflux at all. She said they were uncomfortable in their tummies as we were over feeding them (i had been mistaking their hungry face for hunger when apparently it means wind or tiredness,,,and sometimes hunger). Very confusing but...ultimately she said the boys need to get into a routine, be given the correct amount of feed (which was less than the govt. recommended amount and less than any other professional would recommend) and that they need to be winded a lot more. Having been under so much pressure at the hospital to get the boys to finish their feeds so we could finally take them home meant that Matthew and I were so happy when the boys finished their bottles. Error. M said that the amounts recommended are too high and with all this surplus feed and wind building up, it was causing the boys so much pain in their guts. Medics misdiagnose this all the time as reflux - she told us to stop their medication , stop tilting their baskets and to put them on normal milk. No need for prem milk any more. She's not a nurse - nor doctor so I was really really worried about stopping their meds but in my desperate teary sleep deprived state I agreed. She talked us through a routine and the boys have been just incredible ever since.

She often sees parents with babies who have colic and says the same thing. Cut down on the feeds, encourage focussed, well paced feeding and burp before during and after the feed. Suddenly colic disappears. Reflux doesnt exist. This woman has totally changed our lives and for the last two days my babies have been so peaceful - not one painful cry.

Rather than the boys feeding every two hours, they have a set routine and I am amazed and thrilled to say that last night (day two of the routine) Joey slept from 9pm - 5am! Unbelievable! Xander managed 9pm - 3am then after a feed, 6am.

The last two days have been just so lovely and the boys are loving their new way of life. I am finally finally enjoying my two beautiful boys and back in the land of the living!

Now we just need the community nurses to get their arses in gear with soring out their Oxygen and we're away! We did another sleep study - my poor mum helped and stayed over and kept an eye on them all night making sure their figures were good meaning she didnt get a wink of sleep. We knew the results were good so we were really excited about the consultant coming back to us telling us we can turn the O2 down. once again, the nurses came back telling us the machine didnt record the data. It's been 5 weeks since the boys came home and we're still no close to getting them off O2. I was fuming and have pleaded with them to sort the situation out. All this delay means they could end up being on O2 for months longer than necessary. It's uncomfortable for them and so difficult to manage them with all the tubes. Matthew and I are so upset this is still going on and we're desperately looking for a solution - even if it means buying a machine ourselves and sorting it out privately. I dont want these tubes on the boys a second longer than necessary. Now that they're enjoying life, they deserve to be free from any reminder of the hospital. Mission of the week - get this sleep study sorted!